What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 01:34
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why is the world male-dominated?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What are some of your favorite hip hop lyrics?
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do narcissists devour so much sugar (candy, ice cream, donuts, etc., in huge amounts at a time)?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it wasn’t much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Do married men know when their wives are having affairs?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She married twice! .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Put me off passion for life!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
What do you think about a sister's love?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We were not on the streets..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When writing a novel, how can a character be developed well, but QUICKLY?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why can't we send flat Earthers to space and show them the shape of Earth?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I said to her
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was in good health!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Would this be the day?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But, we were locked up after school.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot live in the past .
When she asked me how she looked .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ive learnt so much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im still living with it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My family never makes their pension either.
She loved him until the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was 9 years of age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i do to all so called friends.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life